Content warning: Discussion of a game that makes light of eating disorders and suicide
So, it's possible you heard about Miss Bimbo about ten years ago. It generated a bit of outrage in 2008 because it was a dress-up game designed to be as offensive possible. You had to keep your doll at a specific weight or the doll would physically change to look grotesque (though I do remember there being a level where you had to make her fat so she could be a plus size model). You could buy diet pills to speed up the process of losing weight. You could buy yourself a boob job. How did you get your money? You attracted a boyfriend who would give you a daily allowance. So, yeah parents weren't very happy about this game! Of course, as a pre-teen, the controversy only made the game more appealing to me. Here's the thing -- the offensive premise of the game only scratches the surface of how fucking crazy the world of Miss Bimbo (later rebranded as Bimboland) is. Updates to the game are made with an outright disdain for the player base. I'm not the perfect person to tell this story because I had left MB before it went down in flames and don't remember it that well. But one day I got curious and tried to return to MB, only to find it was now "The Internet Republic of Bimboland." Chris, the site owner, treats the site like a social experiment. The players all hate it! Let me tell you a little about it.
Part One: How the Game Works The Politics So first, let me explain the site to you. Bimboland is like Miss Bimbo........except it's political now? No one cares about the politics except for the site owner, Chris, who really tried to hype up Bimboland as "the first internet republic." When you make your account on Bimboland, you choose a state to be a part of. You see the state's ideology and stances on guns, the death penalty, abortion and compulsory boob jobs, as well as the state average penis size and the state average bra size (for reference, according to
the wiki, the centrist state Freethinkerland has the biggest average penis size at 12.8 inches. The Marxist state Atheista, has the smallest average penis size at 9.9 inches.)
Every four months, there is an election for State Minister. To run for State Minister, you have to be a Senator, which is what the game calls its membership option. Being a Senator costs $10 a month and gives you certain perks like extra in-game currency, sales on clothing, and more outfit slots. Being elected State Minister means basically nothing except for the fact that if you're a SM, you're eligible to run for Prime Bimbo. In theory, the Prime Bimbo is meant to serve as the mediator between the game team and the player base. In reality, the PB has no real power other than getting to change the forum rules. However, the game advertises that the PB gets a share of the treasury money that comes in from players buying senatorships and in-game currency -- that's right, you can make
real money from this game. A banner on the top of the site advertises that last term, the Prime Bimbo made $429.15. If I remember correctly, I've seen it as high as $900, definitely up to $600.
So, you'd think people would be pretty excited about the prospect of making a few hundred bucks on a game they play, right? Nope. Out of the six State Ministers, typically only two or three of them will run. One Prime Bimbo got burnt out on the job and quit mid-session (the game team promised that the next PB would get her earnings, but the playerbase demanded that she be paid for her time. She said that she didn't want the money and that it could just be donated to charity. I'm not sure what happened to her money.). And the money? Not super reliable. I've heard from recent PBs that they've gotten their money but older PB apparently have been shafted.
Bimboland also has a president, Miss Bimbo. Miss Bimbo is one of the profiles Chris uses in the game. He also has another profile, SweetasNuts. SweetasNuts's is listed as "the president's massuse." Miss Bimbo and SweetasNuts are uncomfortably horny for each other. For example, in
the post where Miss Bimbo introduces SweetasNuts, "she" writes, " His name is Sweetasnuts and he is a very handsome himbo. Rumour has it that he has the biggest penis in all of Bimboland. I wouldn't know - not because I haven't seen his penis but because I haven't seen all the penises in Bimboland. Yet. "
The Shop The most redeeming thing about Bimboland is the clothes, which is what you want in a dress-up game anyways. The shop has over 20,000 items (though many are duplicates in different colors), most of which were originally from Miss Bimbo. All of the items that have been made since have been by players and that number is probably in the thousands (I know at least some of items from MB were also player-creator but I don't know what percentage). Rewards for creating items are sporadic - players have to actually message a member of the game team and ask to be rewarded. So, if you designed a dress for BL, you don't
get the dress you designed. You have to beg for money for it. Getting to see the creativity of players and play with their clothes is basically the only reason I'm still on the site. But the shopworkers aren't really get fairly compensated for the extremely valuable service they add to the game.
There are a lot of incredible items in the shop, but looking through the shop is a bizarre experience because there's also a lot of trash in it! Like
this dress made with shoddy MS Paint skills or
this dress with big "DO NOT BUY" text on it (of course, I bought it). You can also buy crude items like dildos and brightly dyed pubic hair.
Misc. Problems with Gameplay When I first joined the game, making money was a particularly painstaking prospect. You would send your Bimbo to work for (x) number of hours (up to four) to get money. When they get too tired, they have to go to sleep. They can also only work for a certain number of hours before they need to up their "self-indulgence" levels by partying or having sex. Beginner players make about 10 B$ (Bimbo dollars) an hour. The average shop item is like, 500 B$ or higher. It also cost 1000 B$ to masturbate for some reason (masturbating has since been changed to "relaxing"). To get to better paying jobs, players have to spend time upping their fitness, vanity, and superficiality levels. There were two games - both memory games, that gave you a few B$ if you played them and it was literally impossible to get the highest reward tier unless you guessed most of the pairs right on your first try (it's now possible to win if you cheat). You can also win money by participating in debates. Players write their opinions on the environment, fashion, money, religion, sex, and sports and then debate other players. Players would then vote for whichever bimbo's opinion they liked best. The winner gets 20 B$. Later, the game would add "Fights," which are the same thing but players are competing over outfits. Luckily, BL added more features that made much easier to make money.
One of the biggest complaints players have about the game is the boob job feature. Boob jobs are somewhat expensive but
the vast majority of the clothes in your closet doesn't fit if you get boob job. Most of your closet literally disappears if you get a boob job and there's no warning about this. The only way to get it back is to pay the same amount to reverse your boob job. Players have asked for at least a warning, but nothing has changed.
The graphics found around the site are pretty bad. This image of the Bimbo Laboratory, is
straight-up only half done. One image on the site is a stock image that
still has the watermark on it.
General Tastelessness Wanna delete your account? You have to "commit Bimbo suicide." Users with deleted accounts have R.I.P. next to their user names. Players have asked for this to be changed for years.
Part Two: Chris's Volatile Behavior and Harsh Rule Over Bimboland Prologue: Chris in Miss Bimbo (the original game) So, all of this is stuff I read secondhand, but it's all worth talking about. Here are some things Chris did that drove Miss Bimbo to the ground. These are largely gathered from user Cum_Dumpster in
this thread.
- Made it so boyfriends no longer gave players money and then added a new feature, bodyguards. Bodyguards required players to pay them in exchange for "protection." New players literally made negative money because of this feature. (x) (x)
- Unruly public hair was added to the dolls, that crept up the stomach and down the thighs. Russian hackers were blamed for this. Remember, this is like, 2008.
This is a snippet of how Chris responded to players upset about the bodyguard update:
Hi Bimbos, A few polite reminders: 1) To all bimbos who complain about professionalism: This is Miss Bimbo not Miss Boring. Please take your head from up of your own arse and buy some bimbo dollars 2) To all bimbos who want to lecture us on how to run a business: Thanks but I have a 1st in customer service and Nico has a first in website management. So please take your head from up your own arse and buy some bimbo dollars.... Quick Question = Why did the bimbo have her head so far up her own arse?"(x)
The Constitutional Crisis of Bimboland: The Beginning On February 2, 2020, user Favorite Worst Nightmare was elected Prime Bimbo. But something unusual happened. Everyone in FWN's state, Atheista, had golden username bars instead of the normal pink ones. Atheista players found that they were getting bonuses like getting extra fitness, vanity and superficiality points. Chris, under the Miss Bimbo profile,
announced that there was a "constitutional crisis" in Bimboland. Miss Bimbo stated that the election turn-out was low and that "she" had to modernize the government system to increase voter turn-out. "She" wrote:
I have decreed that for 1 year only we will try a new system of governance where the Prime Bimbo will duly be elected from the state that has the most votes and support. This way I feel sure that the role of the right honourable Prime Bimbo will once again become respected as the most important bimbo in the beautiful free world.
So, this basically meant the State Minister from the state with the most users would be PB since users were incentivized to vote for the SM from their own state. Not only were users from the winning state getting increased fitness, vanity, and superficiality points, they also got 5,000 B$, 100 diamonds (the premium currency), and a chest of in-game items. People were
furious about this. They saw it as slap in the face -- users had asked for so many changes and Chris did
this? Although everyone knew the PB had minimal power, it still meant something. Furthermore, users also saw this as cheap cash grab. Switching states is possible, but it's expensive - and it became more expensive after this update, so the "constitutional crisis" felt in part like a scheme to get people to spend money to buy in-game currency so they could get the bonuses associated with being from the winning state.
Users protested in three ways. Some users dressed up as Miss Bimbo, but made her into a clown or a devil. The shopworkers uploaded thousands of items for 1 B$, effectively giving away thousands of in-game items. The shopworkers also uploaded items to help users dress up their avatars in a way to protest. They added a 1 B$ costume of Miss Bimbo titled "the 'honorable' Miss Bimbo," plus signs that read things like "Internet Dictatorship of Bimboland" and "I voted and all I got was this shitty electoral system." One sign outright mocked Chris, reading "i HaVe in CuSToMeR SeRViCe" (referencing the rant he made on the Miss Bimbo site after players complained). And most importantly, many senators cancelled their senatorships and vowed to stop giving money to Bimboland until the Prime Bimbo election was fixed. Plenty of players outright quit the game. Looking through the archived forum posts, the discussions are littered with users with "R.I.P." next to their names (though some of those users quit to unrelated drama that won't be discussed here).
Update Two on the Constitutional Crisis On March 10, 2020, Chris posted as Miss Bimbo, apologizing for the change and promising that
would users from the winning PB's state would no longer be given bonuses.
When the next Prime Bimbo election rolled around in June, users from the winning PB's state
were given bonuses.
Final Update on the Constitutional Crisis On March 29, 2020, Chris posted
another forum post as Miss Bimbo. Miss Bimbo spoke of lofty goals for Bimboland, writing:
Ultimately it is my goal here to create a unified Bimbo nation. We are being ambitious and trying to do something that has never ever been done before ie create a democratic online nation. Disrupting the world order so to speak. Essentially it is our aim to evolve and grow and create a community that is a wonderful functioning healthy government and society. Nobody has ever attempted anything like this before and so we have no one else we can follow or learn from. We are pioneers. Bimbo pioneers together as one
After this passage, there's a tacky bimbo rewrite of MLK's "I Have a Dream" speech. Couched in the rhetoric is the following news:
- Chris/Miss Bimbo will communicate with PB on a daily basis
- Chris is considering making it so only senators (paying players can vote in SM elections)
So yeah, people are angry but also tired at this point. The Constitutional Crisis thread had 14 pages. This thread only has 4.
Coda There was another PB election this month. The bonuses have stopped. While there has been some incidents of drama within Bimboland users, Chris has left us alone. Bimboland is currently at peace.
submitted by With the recent (ish) announcement of a physical edition of
Final Fantasy IX coming to the Nintendo Switch, I thought it might be interesting to have a discussion about potential future Square-Enix projects that might yet appear on the system. The ‘pick up and play’ nature of the Switch makes it very compatible with JRPGs, and Square-Enix already has a pretty sizable collection of its games on Switch. It seems likely that there are more to come, but what and when is an open question.
I’m going to start this off by listing a number of potential projects, and my sense of how likely or unlikely they are to materialize. Curious to read all of your lists as well. I’ll say up front that some of the games I’ll be talking about I know like the back of my hand, and others I know only by reputation. Hopefully, we can all fill in each other’s knowledge gaps. Thanks for stopping by! :)
Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars: This is the game I always have my fingers crossed for whenever Nintendo announces new additions to the NES/SNES Online apps, but unfortunately, we haven’t seen it yet. I still think it more likely than not that
Seven Stars will eventually be available this way—it was included with the SNES Classic system, after all—but the longer it’s absent, the more I wonder if there’s some sort of legal/financial dispute standing in its way. (This was Square and Nintendo’s last major collaboration before their bitter mid-90s split).
Would
Seven Stars instead be released as a standalone download for purchase on the Eshop? Given how beloved this game is by its fanbase, (myself included) I tend to think it would turn a profit. I suppose it could be given a slight visual touch-up and add things like higher difficulty settings, bonus dungeons, a boss rush, additional superbosses, access to all minigames from the main menu, etc. A similar approach to how
Final Fantasies I-VI have been re-released since the GBA era.
There was a rumor I read fairly recently that a direct sequel to this game was under consideration, as a collaboration between Square-Enix and Nintendo. I am extremely skeptical of this, however, since
Seven Stars has a nicely contained little story, with few if any loose threads to be tied up, save for perhaps exploring
how Mallow adjusts to his newfound role as Prince of Nimbus Land. Certainly wouldn’t object to a sequel, though, as
Seven Stars still contains my favorite overall incarnation of the
Mario world.
Chrono TriggeCross: A
’Chrono Collection,’ which would include
Trigger, Cross, and perhaps even
Radical Dreamers as a bonus, seems logical, if not necessarily inevitable. This series may never have reached the commercial heights of
Final Fantasy, but
Chrono Trigger is among those very rare games where it’s hard to find even a word of negative criticism, a reputation I think still draws people in. (That was the effect it had on a young me in the early 2000s; I missed it the first time around on SNES, but as soon as I heard about
Final Fantasy Chronicles for PlayStation, which included both
Final Fantasy IV and
Chrono Trigger, it was an instant pre-order).
Chrono Trigger has since shown up on the Nintendo DS and mobile devices.
Chrono Cross, on the other hand, is more divisive, with passionate admirers and detractors. This might explain why Square-Enix has yet to bring it to mobile devices, despite the availability of
Trigger on these platforms. The fact that an enhanced version of
Final Fantasy IX is available on mobile devices suggests that technical considerations are not the reason for
Chrono Cross’s absence. (And of course, none of this would be a barrier of entry with the much more powerful Switch).
All this leads me to speculate that Square-Enix is holding off on releasing
Trigger or
Cross for modern platforms at this point because they are planning a
’Chrono Collection’ at some point down the line. I can’t help but picture a very attractive physical edition, perhaps featuring a black and gold case with the familiar clock design, and a companion booklet containing artwork and development history for the series. (
Trigger’s development history is particularly interesting).
The visual novel
Radical Dreamers, which could be described as something of a rough draft for a key early episode in the story of
Cross, is non-essential, but would still be a nice little bonus—a window into the creative process. Including the excellent soundtracks for both
Chrono games (ala
Super Mario 3D All-Stars) would be an even bigger draw.
Of course, this is all just speculation on my part. Outside of
Chrono Trigger being made available on Steam and mobile devices in recent years, this series has not shown signs of life in quite some time.
Secret of Evermore and Final Fantasy Mystic Quest: Grouping these two together because they are both lesser-regarded Square SNES titles that might still be interesting additions to the SNES Online app. The likes of
Chrono Trigger, Final Fantasy IV, and
Final Fantasy VI are unlikely to pop up there, both because they have a proven ability to sell individually, on multiple platforms over the years, and because the initial SNES releases of these games are no longer the optimal versions available. (Especially true in the case of
Final Fantasy IV). The popular
Secret of Mana is also unlikely, given that Square-Enix has already released a remake, as part of an ongoing project of remaking the
Mana series games for modern platforms.
So why these two? Well, with little if any demand for either to get the modern treatment, bringing them to SNES Online isn’t likely to step on the toes of any future remake/re-release projects. While neither are great games, both are semi-interesting ‘relics.’
Evermore a
Secret of Mana clone with a different aesthetic;
Mystic Quest designed as a beginner-level RPG for audiences outside of Japan. Not the sort of games many would go out of their way to find and play, but if made available on the SNES Online app, I suspect that many would happily give them a spin. Little if anything to gain, but nothing to lose either.
For the record, I don’t see either as a likely inclusion to SNES Online, which has slowed down considerably in terms of adding new games to its roster. But aside from possibly
Seven Stars, these are the only SNES-era Square games I can picture them giving Switch owners more or less for free.
Final Fantasy Tactics/War of the Lions: Quite possibly my favorite video game of all time, I’m both disappointed and a bit surprised that it has yet to appear on Switch.
Tactics debuted on the original PlayStation; the enhanced
War of the Lions version, featuring an updated translation, beautifully animated and voice-acted cutscenes, and a respectable amount of bonus content, made its first appearance on PSP, and was later adapted for mobile devices. The mobile versions operated with touch controls, and the Switch in handheld mode has touchscreen support built in. Theoretically, at least,
War of the Lions would translate well onto Switch, but perhaps there are more potential technical complications than I realize. Alternately, Square-Enix might have made the calculation that those who love
Tactics already have it on iOS/Android, and would be less likely to ‘double-dip’ and buy a Switch version.
I really hope this isn’t the case, though, since I’d love to have it on Switch. This is another game where I think Square-Enix could make some extra money by releasing a physical version that includes artwork, maps, the soundtrack, etc. A full visual remake, with the production values of the gameplay graphics matching that of the cutscenes, would be even better, but I don’t think that’s very likely.
The Final Fantasy VII ‘Expanded Universe:’ The original
Final Fantasy VII is available on Switch, but what is probably the most famous and popular entry in the series has branched out in multiple directions since its debut in 1997. Most recently, of course, was the
Final Fantasy VII Remake for PS4. Whether a downgraded version of that game could possibly be adapted for Switch, I honestly don’t know, but even if it technically could, I wouldn’t particularly like its chances. Reason being that
Final Fantasy VII Remake is, from a narrative standpoint, incomplete, since it doesn’t cover the range of the original’s story. (Not even close). In theory, this necessitates at least one more entry, and probably two or more. With the ‘original’ being a late PS4 title, that means that its follow-up(s) will likely debut on PS5, which the Switch will be much further behind from a technical standpoint. Would Square-Enix want only one part of a two- or three-part story workable on Switch? If they thought it would sell well enough, perhaps. But I think it’s more likely that if anything from the
FF7 Remake series ever makes it onto a Nintendo system, the Switch’s hypothetical successor is more likely to see it than the current model.
Remake is not the only video game expansion of the
FF7 universe, of course. If any of the others are to make it to Switch, I think
Crisis Core is much more likely than either
Before Crisis or
Dirge of Cerberus. Wouldn’t rule out the possibility of any of them, but
Crisis Core was originally designed for a handheld: the PSP. Zack Fair’s story was and remains compelling to fans, despite anyone who played through
Final Fantasy VII knowing
full well how it ends. The popularity of Vincent Valentine was not enough to save
Dirge of Cerberus from some pretty harsh criticism.
Working against all of these? Well,
Remake throws the continuity of the original and its spinoffs into question. It’s possible that Square-Enix might be planning to scrub the existing canon clean as part of this ongoing project.
Vagrant Story: I’ll admit, this is pure wishful thinking on my part; I’m under no illusions that this is even remotely likely. Still, it’s behind only
Tactics/War of the Lions on my own Square-Enix Switch wishlist.
(Switchlist?) What’s not to like about a dark Renaissance detective story? (The block stacking/rearrangement puzzles required to progress through dungeons can be a bit tedious, but nothing awful).
Star Ocean Games: With
First Departure—a enhanced PSP remake of the first
Star Ocean game—already on Switch, I think it’s a virtual certainty that
Second Evolution—the PSP counterpart to
Second Story—will eventually make the leap over as well. (Frankly, I’m surprised it hasn’t already). The Switch prospects of post-
Second Story/Evolution games are iffier, but with the second installment often regarded as the highlight of the entire series, it is a very strong candidate to pop up on the Eshop.
Kingdom Hearts Games: The first games on this list I know only by reputation. My understanding is that they have done very well in terms of both sales and critical reception, and even that feels like an understatement. The recent announcement of a
Kingdom Hearts rhythm-based spinoff for Switch seemed to spark disappointment in these parts that nothing from the main series was coming. This suggests that there is a potential market for mainline
Kingdom Hearts on Switch; I’d certainly be willing to give them a shot.
Final Fantasy Tactics Advance Games: I can’t help but wonder if the original
Final Fantasy Tactics Advance was hurt at all by
Fire Emblem making its debut appearance outside of Japan around the same time, to positive press and public reception. The success of
Fire Emblem on GBA likely overshadowed
Tactics Advance a bit. Still, there are other reasons why this game tends to be held in lower overall regard than the original
Final Fantasy Tactics. While the first has the air of a Shakespearean epic, the central conceit of
Advance is that
a group of kids, presumably from the ‘real world,’ get sucked into a fantasy world, and the main story goal is their trying to somehow get back home. Some saw this as a major step backwards from the original, while others praised the writers for thinking outside the box. Also controversial was the ‘Judge’ system, where every battle would start with the announcement that certain abilities could not be used. Some saw this as a fun challenge that kept players on their toes; others found it irritating and contrived. I know less about the DS sequel,
Grimoire of the Rift. If we ever see anything from the
Final Fantasy Tactics sub-series on Switch,
War of the Lions seems far more likely than any of the
Advance titles. If a hypothetical
War of the Lions Switch version was to sell well enough, however, perhaps Square-Enix would release one or both of the
Advance games in the hopes of piggy-backing off its success.
Final Fantasy XIII Games: Doable? Probably. Worth it for Square-Enix financially, given the mixed reputation of these games? Tougher call.
Final Fantasy XV: Another recent
Final Fantasy I know quite little about. I know that the downgraded
’Pocket Edition, which I first became aware of via the iOS App Store, is also available on the Switch Eshop. This perhaps suggests that
Final Fantasy XV in its original form would be difficult to adapt to Switch. Difficult, however, does not necessarily mean impossible, so I would be surprised, but not shocked, if
Final Fantasy XV was eventually brought to Switch.
Threads of Fate & Brave Fencer Musashi: Grouping these two because they are both mid/late PS1-era games that have virtually no chance of re-emerging on Switch. Still, both are cute, family-friendly action RPGs that would be right at home on the system.
Xenogears: Another PS1-era longshot...noticing a pattern here? Legal difficulties aside, I could see
Xenogears potentially doing well on the Nintendo Eshop, riding the coattails of the popular
Xenoblade games. (Which I definitely need to get around to trying one of these days; my understanding is that although there are no direct narrative links between them,
Xenogears, and the
Xenosaga games, they are considered to be ‘spiritually’ connected).
I last played
Xenogears myself about two or three years back, and my experience then left me with the sense that the game might be a bit more ‘digestible’ on a handheld-hybrid like the Switch than its home console origins. Engaging, thought-provoking story; complex, well-written characters; a wonderful soundtrack. No one can take these things away from
Xenogears. That being said,
Xenogears often employs long (winded) cutscenes and dialogue sections to tell its excellent story, has a pretty high rate of random encounters throughout its large-scale dungeons and overworld areas, and requires frequent micromanagement and shopping to upgrade ‘Gears’ (combat robots) so the player remains competitive in battle.
In other words, an average
Xenogears play session can leave the player with the sense that they have accomplished relatively little compared to the amount of time they just invested in it. Because of that, I often found myself feeling ‘burned out’ by the game, engaging though it was.
While a Switch version of the game could not be expected to totally resolve those issues, it could alleviate them, both by its ‘pick up and play’ nature and by increasing opportunities to save progress outside of the designated save points and world map of the original. (As was the standard of the time). Ideally, one would be able to save
during a lengthy cutscene, so they would be able to take a break from the story without being forced to later watch (and process) the entire thing from the beginning.
Dissidia Games: Admittedly, I don’t know much about these games other than the very basics: they are a fighting game spinoff of the
Final Fantasy series. On paper, though...doesn’t that sound like something that would sell like hotcakes on Switch?
Dissidia may not be at the top of my personal wishlist, but outside of
Kingdom Hearts, it is perhaps the most puzzling Square-Enix exclusion.
Final Fantasy XII: Revenant Wings: A definite longshot, but there are two factors that could theoretically, at least, work in its favor: a) its ties to
Final Fantasy XII, which is on Switch via
The Zodiac Age; and b) the fact that, unlike
XII itself,
Revenant Wings was originally released on a Nintendo platform: the DS.
Working against it? Radio silence. I admittedly have never played this one myself, but the fact that so few people seem to talk about it suggests that it didn’t make much of an impact one way or the other. It would have been a cool bonus—as an unlockable or DLC—to include with
Zodiac Age, but no such luck, and
Revenant Wings seems to be more or less forgotten. I quite like
XII, though, so if
Revenant Wings did come to Switch, I’d be inclined to give it a shot.
Front Mission Series: A not especially famous, but long-running, somewhat prolific Square-Enix series, with entries spanning from the SNES to the PS4. File this one under surprised but not shocked if something from the
Front Mission series eventually lands on Switch.
Parasite Eve Games: The last PS1-era longshots, I promise! (And the second-to-last entry overall...Hallelujah!) Right down there with
Threads of Fate and
Brave Fencer Musashi in the ‘never gonna happen’ column. I totally missed out on the original and its sequel during their initial run, which I kind of regret now, since many of their basic elements—a more gritty/realistic tone; a female detective as the protagonist—sound really cool on paper. The sort of thing I glanced over as a child/adolescent, but would be right up my alley these days.
Final Fantasy I-VI: If you’re still here, thank you very much! This will be the last section of my list today...but also the longest. I decided to group the first six mainline
Final Fantasies together here not because I think each is of equal importance—far from it—but more to highlight the curious fact that, despite the fairly widespread availability of these games on multiple platforms over the course of many years, the earliest
Final Fantasy game up and running on the Nintendo Switch at the time of this writing is
VII. So, what gives? Thinking back to the
Tactics/War of the Lions section, this could be a matter of Square-Enix calculating that, with the first six
Final Fantasies already available on mobile devices, there would be little incentive for Switch-owning fans to ‘double-dip.’
I’m not sure if that theory holds up as well here, however, since we are talking about six individual games of varying importance, as opposed to one.
Final Fantasies I & II have often been bundled together, in the case of both
Final Fantasy Origins for the PS1 and
Dawn of Souls for the GBA. If we ever do see a Switch re-release of these games, my guess is that we would get another two-pack, if for no other reason than a bundle is probably the best means of selling the ambitious yet deeply flawed
Final Fantasy II. My first experience with both games was via
Dawn of Souls, but one thing I didn’t realize until some time later was that, at least in the case of
Final Fantasy I, the adaptation was quite different from the original experience. The
Dawn of Souls version had a traditional MP system for spells—each spell used x-amount of MP, which could be recovered via certain items and by resting at town inns and tents/cottages on the world map. The original release, on the other hand, featured limited spell charges, which could apparently only be recovered by resting in towns, forcing the player to be much more strategic/conservative with magic use. Thinking back to the high encounter rate and maze-like dungeons, my first thought was:
’My God, that sounds like an absolute nightmare!’ For others, though, it could be a fun challenge, so it might be nice for future re-releases of
Final Fantasy I to include both magic systems.
I’m not sure to what extent, if any, Square-Enix might be influenced by Nintendo’s recent decision to re-release the first NES/Famicom
Fire Emblem game on Switch, with no apparent changes aside from it being available in languages other than the original Japanese, but I suppose this could theoretically compel them to release the first three NES/Famicom
Final Fantasy games with the original NES/Famicom graphics, at least as an optional setting. (Hopefully not completely replacing the ‘prettied up’ versions). That being said, I wouldn’t want any downgraded graphics settings to strip a future
Final Fantasy I re-release of the fun superboss cameos, including but not limited to the dragon Shinryu and the eccentric swordsman Gilgamesh.
A quick aside about
Final Fantasy II, since we’re here. There are very few games I’ve ever
wanted to like more, and I think it deserves credit for thinking outside the box with its leveling system, and for having a story more on the human folly/political intrigue side than the straight ‘good versus evil’ side. Unfortunately, though, it falls a bit flat in both areas. The game does have its bright spots, including a pretty strong supporting cast—Princess Hilda and Minwu the OG White Mage are standouts—and one of my favorite music tracks in the series: the
Wild Rose Rebellion theme. Onward to
Final Fantasy III, which is probably best known for its more complex/sophisticated take on the ‘Job System’ introduced in
Final Fantasy I, and for how long it took (sixteen years!) for the game to first release outside of Japan. The last of the NES/Famicom
Final Fantasies, my understanding is that, after the largely failed experiment that was
II, the next game in the series was intended as a return to form—going back to the concepts of the original and expanding on them. A similar approach, one could argue, to both
Super Mario Bros. 3 and
The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past. With the SNES/Super Famicom set to release within the same timeframe, however, and Square’s plans to bring the ambitious
Final Fantasy IV to that new platform, it was ultimately decided that releasing
III outside of Japan would be unwise. Fast-forward to 2006, and the Nintendo DS would see a full remake of
Final Fantasy III, complete with both 3D graphics and an expanded story—where the four playable characters were nameless avatars in the original, the remake gave them established names and backstories. (This version was also later adapted for mobile devices). The sheer novelty of this ‘lost’
Final Fantasy game finally showing its face outside of Japan, and of a Nintendo system finally being able to boast having a 3D
Final Fantasy of its own, led to the game getting some decent attention early on, but long-term, it doesn’t seem to have made much of an impact. Perhaps in large part because it’s difficult to think of anything
Final Fantasy III did that
Final Fantasy V didn’t do as good or better.
And on that note, I’m going to skip ahead briefly to
Final Fantasy V. (
IV will get its time, don’t worry). Like the odd-numbered
Final Fantasies before it,
V is remembered more for its gameplay—an even more sophisticated Job System than that of
III—than its story or characters. This is the most common criticism of the game, and while I think there’s something to it, it should also be noted that
Final Fantasy V had the misfortune of being sandwiched between the epic, story-driven
IV and
VI, so it had some stiff competition in that area. There’s still a pretty good story to be had here; a likable, if not super-memorable cast; and a handful of interesting plot points and twists.
One interesting aspect of
Final Fantasy V is that, in terms of gameplay, it is almost a mirror image of
IV. Where
IV is very linear and allows virtually no opportunities to customize characters, or even choose which party members to go with at any given time,
V encourages frequent mixing and matching of classes and secondary skills to adapt to the current situation. One might go in expecting, consciously or unconsciously, the obvious male lead to function best in a Knight/Swordsman class, and the obvious female lead to be most effective as a mage. In truth, however, anyone can be anything. All characters have access to the same Job classes, but their visual design in each class varies to reflect their personality. Take the Monk/Martial Artist class, for instance—where both male characters go shirtless when assigned to this job, the more ‘girly’ of the two female characters dons a bright red athletic dress, while her more ‘tomboyish’ counterpart instead chooses a plain white robe/karate uniform. Given the relative obscurity of
Final Fantasy V, it’s difficult to picture Square-Enix investing many resources into a future remake project, but it would be cool to see a modern take on all these character designs.
As for why I skipped right from
III to
V? Well, despite the fact that these two games, as far as I know, have never been bundled together, I think they would make pretty logical ‘running mates’ in the future, given that both are centered around a version of the Job system. (Maybe they could call it
’Final Fantasy Labor Collection’).
Now let’s tackle what is arguably the heaviest hitter of this group:
Final Fantasy IV. Of the pre-
VII Final Fantasy games,
IV is probably the one that has gotten the most love from Square-Enix, which one could argue is a mixed blessing. While the original release is almost universally well-regarded, its direct, seventeen years after-the-fact sequel,
The After Years, is often considered among the weakest titles to fly under the
Final Fantasy banner. It has its good points, and I think there would a pretty engaging story here if they had just trimmed the proverbial fat and made >!Kain Highwind the undisputed main character.After Years is kneecapped by its original format of downloadable ‘episodes’ that were released gradually, and these chapters are by no means created equal. (Some are interesting, but others are a miserable slog).
Final Fantasy IV would eventually appear on both the Sony PSP and Nintendo DS, but the competing handhelds were not to receive the exact same product. The DS version featured the 3D visual style of
Final Fantasy III DS, while the PSP’s
Complete Collection employed a more traditional 2D art style with redrawn sprites and locations.
Complete Collection, unlike
FFF 4 DS, also contained both
After Years and the aptly-titled mid-quel
Interlude. If
Final Fantasy IV ever does make its way over to Switch,
Complete Collection seems like the better overall value, but my guess is that the DS/mobile device 3D version is a bit more likely. It might be worth noting that, despite
After Years debuting with a 2D style, it was re-released for mobile devices with a 3D ‘makeover’ back in 2013. This move also suggests that Square-Enix would sell the original
IV and its sequel separately on the Eshop if they ever do bring them to Switch.
And now, the biggie:
Final Fantasy VI. The most recent mainline entry to debut on a Nintendo system, and simultaneously one of the most beloved by fans and most neglected by its parent company. To this day, the definitive version of
Final Fantasy VI is the enhanced GBA port, from all the way back in 2006. (
Advance takes that crown in my book solely because, unlike other re-releases that contained the same bonus content, it included a run button from the beginning, in place of always needing to have one party member’s Relic slot taken up by the ‘Sprint Shoes’ if you wanted to get anywhere fast).
The sad reality of
Final Fantasy VI is that, more than probably any other entry in this series, it is hindered by its graphical limitations. Not because it uses a 2D sprite-based presentation, to be sure—both
Chrono Trigger and the first two
Suikoden games managed to convey a large-scale world with a similar art style—but I think the best illustration of this shortcoming is to compare the the city of Vector in
VI to Midgar in the original
Final Fantasy VII. Neither locale would win any beauty contests these days, but even the rather primitive 3D visuals in
VII were enough to convey that this was a massive,
massive city. The Imperial capital, on the other hand? Not so much. Save for some slightly larger, plain-looking buildings, a lack of flowers and trees, and what looked to be pieces of industrial equipment in an area just beyond the line of apartments and stores, there wasn’t a whole lot to distinguish it visually from the average town a player visited.
Beyond the basic set pieces, though, there are a multitude of scenes in
Final Fantasy VI that absolutely
demand a greater visual spectacle than what the SNES/Famicom could achieve at the time. Especially the whole
Floating Continent sequence of events. (Can you imagine?) As I admitted earlier, I don’t know much about the
Dissidia games, but one thing I have seen of them are the amazing 3D models of
VI’s Kefka and Terra. To have all those elaborate character designs given a modern (ish) touch, whether they used 3D models or 2D sprites, would be a thing of beauty.
Do I think a modern remake of
Final Fantasy VI being developed for the Switch is likely? Sadly...no. But I can’t ignore how poetic such a thing would be. Considering that the first the world saw of the eventual
Final Fantasy VII project was
an N64 tech demo showing 3D models of Terra, Locke, and Shadow in battle, this would really bring things full-circle.
Again, if you made it this far...frankly, I’m surprised
I made it this far! Five thousand-plus words, more than a month of fiddling with this ‘script,’ and I’m sure there’s still plenty I missed and got wrong. Still, it feels good to finally wrap this up, and if nothing else, I hope it will be a semi-enjoyable read. Curious to hear your thoughts, and many thanks!
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